No Less Painful
by ryddance
Summary: He has a reason. One-shot songfic.


**Disclaimer: I'd have to have been the Powerball winner in order to possess the funds needed to buy the rights to the Alex Rider series or to "Let Her Go." As it is, I only got two of the numbers. Oh well.**

 **Warnings: Lonliness. Reference to drink, blood, and a curse.**

 **Song: "Let Her Go" by Passenger**

* * *

 _ **...**_

The nighttime winter air chilled him with a dampness that he could feel it in his bones. No moon shone through the thick blanket of clouds. The house in front of him was lit by only the front porch lights, and it house looked empty and dead; the lights were a beacon in the distance-lonely, surrounded by darkness. To him, they were but a pinprick of light in a well being dug only deeper, and he couldn't reach towards it. The light was a source of life-an assurance- and he couldn't reach it. He couldn't go back. Wouldn't go back. All around him were walls made of stone and covered in a sheen of blood in place of water.

 _Sabina and Alex went out for dinner. It was a nice place, really, with a comforting glow and a friendly atmosphere. Their food was nothing overly extravagant, simple pasta with bread and a glass of Pinot Noir, but it left them satisfied and full. Afterwards they left the restaurant, she snuggled up to his side to escape from the nighttime chill with her arm wrapped around his._

 _..._

 _ **...**_

He stared at that damned light for what seemed like hours. In his mind's eye he could see their happiest moments together. When she graduated from university, and he was right there to greet her at the bottom of the steps, to congratulate her with a tender kiss to soft lips. When he had tried to teach her to shoot and they'd been caught in a downpour, and they'd run quickly to a nearby shed. She'd squealed, laughing, when he'd shaken his dripping hair in her face and retaliated by swatting him playfully with her own dripping braid of hair.

Each mission started about the same, him looking forward to the thrill and excitement. But each time he went off, it was like a band-aid being peeled slowly off an old wound. He was always startled by how much it hurt when she left, and he never got used to it. She was his band-aid.

The end of each mission left him rushing back to the house they shared together. He'd sold Ian's old house and bought something with a fresher outlook and fewer memories of his past of lies. They could start a life together with memories of their own.

 _They decided to take to the park, walking through the crisp air and gazing at the stars that seemed to twinkle down at them with knowing. Their reflections filled the little pond with light. It was a joyous night for Sabina Pleasure and Alex Rider, Alex thought as he laughed in surprise at Sab's joke._

 _..._

 _ **...**_

Back in the hotel room, he poured himself a couple fingers of scotch. He sat back in the chair to stare listlessly at the amber liquid. He only wished he could solve all his problems by way of the bottle. He knew better. It made him numb, but it didn't make him forget, either his happiness or his sorrow-he couldn't decide which he was trying to drown.

His happiness: it was too short-lived. Why couldn't he make it last? He had just been accepting his idea to live his life with her, with a ring on her finger and perhaps children. And it was gone in the blink of an eye and the shout of a gun.

 _His cold hand curled tightly around the little velvet box in his right pocket, he was ready to spend his life with this beautiful, kind, smart, funny woman who was never afraid to chastise him, who worried about him, and who forgave him his job despite her constant worry._

 _..._

 _ **...**_

He walked slowly to the bed, clad in a simple duvet and soft pillows. He sat down on the edge, not noticing the plush mattress. It should have been enough to lure him into the folds of a deep sleep, but each time he closed his eyes, he couldn't help but imagine her weight next to him, or her wrapping her arms around his middle and leaning her cheek on his neck.

He still saw in his mind's eye the last night he had stared into her eyes. They were cast in shadow, but the full moon lent them an light sparkle, and her normally tan skin glowed with a pale blue tint. It would be his last time gazing into her eyes.

He couldn't do it to her. She was better off without him.

 _Before Alex could say anything more than her name, a voice rang out, declaring his name, and Sabina inhaled a sharp breath. Alex's head snapped around and he caught the dull glint of metal. He barely registered that it was Matthew-who he'd met on a mission and who'd worked for the other team-before he was drawing his own firearm and stepping in front of Sabina. Two shots rang in the dark._

 **...**

 **...**

Hours into the morning, and he still couldn't fall asleep. He could still hear her cry of pain. He should've fallen asleep by now; an insistent pain in his heart prevented him from answering that call. It was gone…his life was gone.

 _He heard a scream of pain and thought that Sabs had been hit, but he realized that such was not the case when he registered her warm hands trembling on his face. He dimly registered her racking sobs. He heard as sirens sounded in the distance. His numbed senses recognized someone talking to his soon-to-be fiance. Ben's voice came to him as he dragged Sabs away, expressing his regret. 'It's too late.'_

 _It was only when they'd gone that Alex mustered up the strength to slowly open his eyes, and he could see the steam from warm blood clashing against freezing air. He could see the blurry figures of Ben and Sabs stumbling toward the road, leaving him. "I'm still here."_

 **...**

 **...**

When he closed his eyes for the last time that night, he saw her...Her beautiful blue eyes that laughed and lit up the room each time without fail; the wrinkle of her nose when she teased him; her raven-colored hair that fell over her shoulders like a waterfall; her soft, freckled skin; the sigh of warm breath into his shirt as he held her close. He could never be with her. The Accident reminded him of that.

He'd accepted it. In the hospital, Ben had come to check up on him, and he'd learned the awful truth: he'd been bait. And Sabs had been put into the line of fire because of him. Of who he was. Matthew hadn't been alone and Ben had let his partner believe that Alex was dead when he'd taken Sabs to safety. It had helped that Ben himself hadn't known whether he was or wasn't at the time. He'd said to Alex that it had looked bad and he hadn't had the time to check for signs of life.

An SAS unit, K-Unit in fact, had been the lucky unit to corner the bloke. By that time, Alex had been taken to hospital. Wolf and the rest of K-Unt came and sat at the hospital as he underwent (a successful) surgery. When he awoke some time later, the first thing out of his mouth was, 'Don't tell Sabina.' It was a snap decision. She would forever be in danger if she remained with him.

 _Alex watched as the funeral ended. Slowly each of his friends and comrades left until the only one remaining was the small figure dressed in black huddling underneath a dull umbrella. 'Of course it would rain on his funeral,' was all Alex tried to think of. He avoided thoughts of rushing in and sweeping her off her feet and seeing her tearful smiles of painful relief. He wouldn't bend down on one knee and slip the ring onto her finger. Instead he would wear that ring around his neck on a silver chain as a painful reminder._

 _He'd accepted his decision, but that didn't make it any easier. It was no less painful._

 _END_

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 **Anyone confused?**

 **I did this a couple of hours ago. What can I say? I was in a mood. This song struck something in me.  
**

 **To those waiting for the last chapter to "The Path Untraveled," don't worry I haven't (permanently) forgotten about it. RL caught up with me, namely school and AP classes, papers, riding, observing surgeries, applications, etc, etc. I need to go back to reread it and figure out what needs to be answered. I already have a good idea how it's going to end, I just need to put flesh to it. If you have any suggestions as to what I need to answer, then I would be happy to hear about them.**

 **~ryddance**

 **P.S. I GOT INTO MY CHOICE COLLEGE! I saw my acceptance in the last few minutes of my birthday (it was the best present ever). So happy :D**


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